I have trust issues. (Big butt and a smile only.)

Owned by Putin, swindled by Kim, hoodwinked by Erdogan, manipulated by Bone Saw Arabia, laughed at by the United Nations, mocked by NATO, now this erratic fucking moron is going to blunder us into some idiotic disastrous war with Iran just to feed his fragile little ego. AWESOME! Can the 25th Amendment be invoked before this unhinged imbecile slams his freakishly undersized fist down on the big red nuclear button? asking for about 7 billion friends

...read more

THEM: They're like family.

ME: The good kind, or the kind you're related to?

Be very careful how you use the phrase "watch the ball drop" tonight

Never bring...

a knife to a gun fight
shredded cheese to a tractor pull
roller skates to a bar mitzvah
a grizzly bear to an electronics show
a baseball hat to the aquarium
the Shroud of Turin to a tanning salon ...read more

Movie laws:

Brad Pitt eats
Will Ferrell sings
Tom Cruise runs ...read more

A New Year's Wish:

May next year be the year they finally send you those nudes you have waited for so patiently.

New Year's Resolutions:

- eat more
- never look up from phone
- start "War On New Years"
- to have a crazy idea that just might work ...read more