Two kinds of very kinky girls. One kind, you don't take home to mother.

know u ain't a model u should let me takes some pics tho

you are not allowed to have a family christmas with your closest relatives but you are allowed to work in a factory of seven thousand happy holidays

at least my crippling fear of abandonment will never leave me

HER: Did you have your attorney pay off a porn star you cheated with right after the baby was born to win a seat on city council?

ME: Simple private transaction. Now, who wants ice cream?

Getting out in front of this:

Taylor Swift is dropping a new album, and before you judge the guy she's singing about, please know that you're not hearing my side.

DOCTOR: Do you have any idea why your cholesterol is so high?

ME: <wheel of cheese falls out of my pants and rolls across the exam room floor until it finally does that wobbly thing, while we both watch awkwardly>

ME: I think I'm falling in love with you...

HER: Oh no.

ME: ... but even so, we should definitely break up.

HER: Oh good. ...read more

use your hands and my spare time, we've got one thing in common it's this tongue of mine

maybe you hate me, maybe you miss me, maybe you spite me

Missed connection:

I was in the detergent aisle at Costco. You were shoplifting baby formula one aisle over.

finals szn is telling me to be a trophy wife but my looks are telling me to keep studying