I would never put a song in your heOFF TO NEVER NEVER LAND
Hey autocorrect, I capitalized that word ONE GODDAMN TIME. YOU CAN STOP NOW.
Life comes at you fast. Also slow. And at other times, at a fairly regular speed. My point is, always unplug the toaster before trying to fish out a piece of bread stuck in there.
Candy Corn is short for Candida Corningstone.
<rushes out of bed, throws open shutters>
ME: You there, boy!
BOY: Yes, sir?
ME: Put on a goddam mask you selfish little shit! ...read more
“Better start utterly failing about now...”
- CNN
Really looking forward to my origin story.
What's the longest time you've spent "getting out of bed"?
My record is 23 hours.
Everyone argues over the politics of SNL guest monologues now. I'm only interested in seeing a funny one.
Ikea furniture doesn't like putting you together either.
If you don't run away from your feelings, who will?
Grilled cheese can be an exquisite mixture of pleasure and pain...