If I see an adult with a pop socket on their phone, I call the cops.

Wedding vows:

“I dunno. I guess. Whatever. It's fine.”

All the things I don't say are implied.

Favorite meister?

Probably Jäger.

History will remember all of these tersely worded letters as the nothing they add up to.

I will train my children to stand utterly still and silent in a bedroom doorway with vacant stares for as long as it takes to terrify me.

I will neither sit back, nor relax

Has anyone ever been satisfied after eating a single hot dog? It's the speed bump of food.

When they come, they'll come for your chargers first...

This tweet sickened me

I leave it to you to determine where the guitar solos go in my tweets.

I am against public displays of affection and pretty much all public displays in general.