Still no David Lee Roth emoji...

I guess you could have a nanny, but then I have to have an affair with the nanny, and it becomes this whole "thing"

I have a second shower inside my shower so that I am mostly clean already when I take my final shower.

Autocorrect changed “mind fuck” to “kind fuck,” and I was all “Awwwww, how sweet”

assumption ‘22
gsa ‘21

“Crumb at me bro”

- aggressive coffee cake bakers

[being held up]

ROBBER: Don't turn around!

ME: 🎶Wu-oh!

ROBBER: What???

ME: I said, 🎶Wu-oh!

ROBBER:... Um...🎶Der Kommissar's in town?

ME: 🎶Wu-ooooh! ...read more

Some of you have gotten much more attractive during the pandemic, which only proves my theory that being around other people drains the hotness.

Looks like 2021 will be worse than 2020. But only for good people.

I bet you hoard Wild Draw Four cards when you play UNO.

“Don't get it twisted, homie.”

- the rival gang leader in a movie

Math Fun Fact:

Sixty three