Really looking forward to seeing everyone's stupid Halloween costumes. And your pets' too.

I wouldn't say I'm a “traditional” nudist, in that I wear these fine ass clothes.

9,543,614,398,468,702,113,456,990,213,456

- the total number of times someone says "Harry" in the "Harry Potter" movie series

I know you love rock ‘n roll, but put another dime in the juke box? I appreciate being your baby, but I'm not made of dimes, Joan.

I always tell people to go for it, because I am very nurturing and also I love to see train wrecks.

Wait, who here ISN'T weed?

I'm in Schrödinger's Relationship.

I can't tell if it's alive or dead.

I have library books out since 4th grade, so I think I know a thing or two about life on the run, always looking over your shoulder for a day of reckoning.

I USED A SEMICOLON CORRECTLY TODAY; I'VE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE!

Cock Punch All Undecided Voters 2020

THEM: I wish there was some way I could repay you.

ME: Disappearing forever will be payment enough.

Movie Law:

If there is a big pile of explosives, said big pile of explosives will definitely blow up.